WITHHOLDING - depicts my discomfort as the subject. As a recovered anorexic, being in front of the camera feels scary in the same ways as looking in the mirror. As the photographer, I seek to portray vulnerability pushing myself to stop withholding from the lens and from myself.
TRYING - explores the themes of belonging not just in a physical house and family, but within myself, my body, my clothing, and being in my own skin – searching the places I hide from others and myself.
WEIGHING - explores my tense relationship with the sari, a traditional Indian garment worn by women after adolescence. A sari drapes a woman's figure, outlining her youth and beauty and later giving way to her bodies' aging. Every time I wear a sari I feel overexposed with my mid-section hanging out and the threat of the garment falling off my body, leaving me naked. It is yet another struggle with my Indian-American identity that I cannot resolve.
PRAYING - unlocks the deeper pain of not belonging, literally replacing the backdrop of my world with a white wall. It is the search for some solace within myself and the hope of releasing the burden of self hatred I have carried my entire life. It captures the deep prostration of those seeking enlightenment through the Hindu teachings of my childhood.
UNLEASHING - releases my inner demons and the monster I was too afraid to face. The eyes see it all. It is a point of reckoning with every part of myself - the ones I have tried to suppress, exile and finally welcome.
TRANSFORMING - captures a moment in time where my pain, anger and innate sense of being all emerge in full view of one another. The vision for this photo came to my mind before I achieved it in the camera. In this photo, I find my art transformed into a tool for healing and self discovery, unlocking repressed aspects of myself and bringing to the surface my vulnerability and truest self.
CLAIMING - represents shedding the pain and shame I have felt about my body. My willingness to expose my body fully in the frame and claim myself mark a new milestone in my life. After spending my life recovering from an eating disorder that almost killed me 30 years prior, I have achieved a freedom I never thought possible. I can finally give the viewer all of me.
RELEASING - captures my inner and outer self in complete surrender. Having shed the need to control, withhold and protect myself from myself, I can finally allow serenity. This is a moment of releasing into self renewal and rebirth.
INHABITING - represents a new inhabiting of myself after a journey of shedding. It was an image I woke up with in the middle of the night as an answer to the question: is there something more I am inhabiting within myself?
LOVING - embodies the nurturing I have longed for my entire life. I have finally found the power to mother myself in the absence of being mothered. It signifies a new awakening in my life and sense of belonging in a world, now created and shaped by me.